I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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