No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
