the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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