I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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