I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
