all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize