if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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