Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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