so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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