Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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