I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
