I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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