I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize