is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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