WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
