yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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