I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
