Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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