Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
