Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
