Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
