dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
