I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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