I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
