I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
