Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
