Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
