I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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