just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
