there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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