And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
