i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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