wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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