She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
