I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
