Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
