i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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