there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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