I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
