We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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