guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
