I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
