yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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