reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize