He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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