I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
