Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
