Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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