I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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