I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
