my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
