I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
