she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
