i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
