Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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