I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
