I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
