The maid of honor just puked.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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