So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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